Fidelity and such..

The topic I want to touch on today is fidelity, and the question I wish to pose would be this: what constitutes cheating? I have a lot of thoughts whirling around in my head, forming half-fucked sentences and questions. As such, my fingers' attempts to keep up might result in incoherent sentences. Please do read me out though.


I've been listening a lot to Adele, so much so that she is pretty much my only source of music now. 

A line in the song goes

 "I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness, a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head."

This line has been resonating in my head, probably due to the fact that I can personally relate to it. It then got me thinking, and then realising, that maybe I am not that great of a person after all *ahem*.


The one thing I've always prided myself on in life would be the fact that I am NOT a cheater. I am a stickler for romance, and firmly believe that anyone you're with at the moment should be your Great Love. There should not, and cannot, be another person who causes your heart to flutter and your palms to moisten with sweat. I am, and always have been (or so I thought) a One Man Girl. I believe that if you get tempted by Another Person, your love isn't great. If you flirt with A Random, your love isn't real. Real and great loves should (I naively thought) consume you, your entire being, your entire heart. How can there possibly be room for another?


Life, however, seems to be teaching me otherwise. I've come to realise that likewise with everything else you do, loving a person and choosing to get involved with them is a conscious decision you make. Regardless of your reasons, be them good or bad, it is a choice you've made. In my case, it's very simple. I want someone I can come home to, and be happy with. I'm not practical, nor am I very logical. I'm romantic to the point where I believe that love really IS all you need to be happy, hunger and security be damned.


(I know it sounds like I'm going nowhere, but patience is a virtue and good things are worth waiting for. Stay with me.)


Is it then safe to say that, as long as I do not choose to love another person, I am not cheating on my partner? As long as I do not betray my ideals of a relationship, I am in the clear? Would casual flirting for the sake of boosting my own ego be okay? If I do not attach feelings to my actions - if a drunken kiss was viewed simply as a mistake brought about by a lack of control when drinking - does that then make it alright? Is my love still real, still true, still great and still intact?


Of course, a relationship is a partnership, and both parties should work hand-in-hand to make it work. It has to be an understanding between those involved that no hurt is intended. 


Then again, what if you suay-suay* fall in love with a girl like me? My over-sensitivity, my paranoia AND my insecurities act together to make me feel like every little misstep taken on his part is an intentional act to hurt me. THEN HOW, right?


Okay you know what. I thought I had a point to this post, but it turns out that I don't really know if I do. If I'm to guess what I want to say, I would sum it up this way:

1. How would you define cheating?
2. Do drunken mistakes that don't mean anything count?
3. Does flirting (with no intent other than it being a pathetic attempt to validate your attractiveness) count?
4. What if, and it's a really big IF here, you really do love your other half, BUT you still want to spend time with other boys because you have a connection/they're really good-looking and you enjoy having an eye-candy? 
5. If your partner expressly forbids you from doing something, and you comply even though deep down inside you really wish you didn't have to and would give anything to lie to/ignore him, does that then mean you don't really love him? Cause if you do, wouldn't you willingly give up whatever upsets/hurts him?

I guess this might not really have anything to do with fidelity after all. Thanks for sticking around though! Kudos to you, and cheers if you leave a comment on your thoughts. No judging/guessing what I'm going on about though. That isn't much fun.

*suay-suay, loosely translated into English, means unluckily. If you're not Singaporean, don't even bother trying to make sense of it. You won't be able to. 

The (losing) battle

My stomach and I are fighting a losing battle with the bad oysters I ingested earlier on in the evening. I am rushing out a post in between runs to the toilet whereby I attempt to purge my body of the evil it took in. My forehead has come in contact with the seat of the toilet bowl so many times, I'm afraid it has left a permanent imprint (on my head of course.) 


In case I do not make it through till tomorrow, please remember:


Do not pit yourself against food turned bad just cause a) you've had worst, b) you're broke thus feel compelled to eat whatever you've spent the last of your money on and c) you're too chicken to go up to the cook and bitch slap them for serving rotten food. 

You can't threaten a man into staying in a relationship with you.

It seems unlikely that anyone who knows me personally doesn't already know that I'm freshly single. It would seem that my violent threats don't really work, especially when dealing with someone who is much taller and broader and stronger than I am.


I also did something extremely stupid this morning - I went to beg. I know I know, the shame. I guess it sounds stupid, but I didn't want to go down without a fight, so to speak. Of course, my romantic ideals of happiness didn't stand a chance against the harsh practicality of life (or one that he wishes to lead anyway.) Or maybe that's just my way of coping, to lighten the sting of having a person walk away from you.


People tell me that it's not so much me he's giving up, it's just our extremely differing ideals and personality. I would like to believe so, but the love I know and recognise is not something I would ever walk away from simply because it isn't logical to stay together. The love I know is passionate, and great, and grand, and overcomes all obstacles, and doesn't ever quit. The love I know is a conscious decision I make to stay with a person through thick and thin (be it financially or physically.)  And rejection will always be personal, regardless of what others tell you.


I'm assuming he (and maybe everyone else) thinks that this is for the best. A part of me does believe that, is excited even to embark on this new journey. Another part of me feels a little dead, and misses and longs and wants everything that I just lost.


But as a very good friend has pointed out, I did not (and will never) define myself by a relationship. I thank everyone for their ridiculously generous outpouring of love and concern. I'm strong (relatively) and have pulled through worse.


I'll be okay. 

Maintaining a relationship.

Many of you may wonder how I manage to keep a boyfriend of such high caliber around for such a considerably long time.


This is what I sent to him last night before he went to sleep:


"Don't ever, ever, ever give up on me. I will hunt you down smash your brains in from the back pull your eyeballs out from the sockets and feed them to you."


For extra dramatic effect, whisper menacingly into his ear right before bed time.


Disclaimer: I refuse to claim responsibility for any bodily harm inflicted upon anyone as a result of this post. STAND BY YOUR PARTNERS.