Have you ever felt like you're permanently on the verge of tears? I'm not sure what's common for you common-folk but given my over-active tear ducts, I am ALWAYS on the verge of tears, regardless of my mood. I attempted to psychoanalyze myself, but given how I slept through/skipped all my classes in school, it did not succeed very well.
Yesterday, I caught Girl, Interrupted in the midst of my channel fliipping and nua-ing on the couch. Let it not be said that my days are unproductive! In the movie, our protagonist Winona Ryder, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She then went on to incorrectly use the word ambivalent.
I feel like I can strongly relate to her character somehow, and I'm not just saying this to appear all ohmygod-I'm-so-cool-cause-I-can-relate-to-depressed-slightly-mental-girls-in-movies. I'm saying this because I personally do feel that way, and have been told by several people (who know me very well) that I am slightly insane, unstable and full of contradictions.
I'm not crazy per se, but it does feel like like my entire life, or rather, my way of thinking, is a little unbalanced. I simultaneously loathe the idea of working to pursue wealth, and can't stop fantasizing about the life of the rich and loaded. I enjoy the idea of being in a stable relationship, yet somehow feel that deep down inside this is not what I want. I believe in a God and I believe I love said God, but I can't come to terms with the Bible and my religion as a whole. At times, I want to give up on the entire idea of life, yet I don't want to come across as a defeatist. I want to stand my ground and not care about other people's opinions of me and believe in myself and who I am as a person, but who likes being disliked? I want to appear independent, but I really hate being alone and doing things on my own and settling shit myself. I want to be grown up and mature and serious, but I want to have a life and have fun and be silly and do silly stuff.
MY GOD what am I saying?! I'm totally rambling. Right..
And all these conflicts just fester inside of me and they kind of create this whirlpool of turmoil. I get angry and lash out viciously at everyone within the vicinity. I say things I regret and create big fusses over nothing. It's like my brain is this huge tangle of thoughts and ideals but nothing ever comes out right, and I'm tired of not knowing and feeling envious at people who do know. And for once I would really like to know for sure and have it all figured out.
I don't really know the point to what I'm saying here. I guess I just want to feel normal. Or not feel at all. You tell me. Or don't. I don't know. Do you?
Yesterday, I caught Girl, Interrupted in the midst of my channel fliipping and nua-ing on the couch. Let it not be said that my days are unproductive! In the movie, our protagonist Winona Ryder, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She then went on to incorrectly use the word ambivalent.
I feel like I can strongly relate to her character somehow, and I'm not just saying this to appear all ohmygod-I'm-so-cool-cause-I-can-relate-to-depressed-slightly-mental-girls-in-movies. I'm saying this because I personally do feel that way, and have been told by several people (who know me very well) that I am slightly insane, unstable and full of contradictions.
I'm not crazy per se, but it does feel like like my entire life, or rather, my way of thinking, is a little unbalanced. I simultaneously loathe the idea of working to pursue wealth, and can't stop fantasizing about the life of the rich and loaded. I enjoy the idea of being in a stable relationship, yet somehow feel that deep down inside this is not what I want. I believe in a God and I believe I love said God, but I can't come to terms with the Bible and my religion as a whole. At times, I want to give up on the entire idea of life, yet I don't want to come across as a defeatist. I want to stand my ground and not care about other people's opinions of me and believe in myself and who I am as a person, but who likes being disliked? I want to appear independent, but I really hate being alone and doing things on my own and settling shit myself. I want to be grown up and mature and serious, but I want to have a life and have fun and be silly and do silly stuff.
MY GOD what am I saying?! I'm totally rambling. Right..
And all these conflicts just fester inside of me and they kind of create this whirlpool of turmoil. I get angry and lash out viciously at everyone within the vicinity. I say things I regret and create big fusses over nothing. It's like my brain is this huge tangle of thoughts and ideals but nothing ever comes out right, and I'm tired of not knowing and feeling envious at people who do know. And for once I would really like to know for sure and have it all figured out.
I don't really know the point to what I'm saying here. I guess I just want to feel normal. Or not feel at all. You tell me. Or don't. I don't know. Do you?
2 comments:
Double think and emotional IQ are two things that go hand in hand.
Apparently, to be emotionally intelligent, one must be able to handle contradicting emotions. It's just part of being human, and makes life just that more interesting don't you think?
To avoid breaking and caving in to brain-noise (what I call the white noise of confused minds), always remember you are master of your self :-)
anyway my exams are over. When shall we put a date aside for part II!?
you're not crazy, in fact, im so surprised that i can totally relate to what you say in your 4th para!
you're not alone, if its any comfort at all.
A random stranger
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